"Just like Music...."

 'Music is my heart and soul, more precious than gold'

Marvin Gaye "Just Like Music"

Music is my partner that touches my soul from the inside out and gives me all the love I need and deserve. If I can’t depend on anyone else I can depend on my partner called music to calm my spirit, touch my soul, and ease my pain. 

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I don’t know when I fell in love with music but I know I was young. I remember being in my early years and being with my aunt, my brother, and my older cousins as they would listen to New Edition, Keith Sweat, Debarge, Anita Baker and so many other groups. I remember riding in the car with my mom as she always kept Dianna Ross in rotation. 

Ironically, I didn’t come from a musical family. No one were gospel stars or aspiring R&B singers. They just enjoyed music and because of that I fell in love with music.

As I grew older some of my artists of choice were Hi-Five, Janet Jackson, Whitney Houston, Tony Toni Tone, and Mint Condition, Xscape, Brian McKnight and R. Kelly. These groups continued to follow me into middle school and high school where I was introduced to so many more;  Aaliyah, Avant, Destiny’s Child, D’angelo, Lauryn Hill, Jill Scott, India.Arie, and many many more.

If you haven’t notice by now I love R&B. These songs, these artists all did something for me. In elementary school, I recall my friends and I having ‘singing contest.’ I think every young black girl (in my age cohort) at one time sang one of these 3 songs ‘Understanding’ by Xscape; ‘Weak’ by SWV, or ‘Superwoman’ by Karyn White. That was it. Hanging out on the playground during recess in your little groups singing songs. Those were the days…

‘What I need from you is understanding

How can we communicate,

If you don’t hear what I say…’

Xscape

‘I don’t know what it is that you’ve done to me

But it caused me to act in such a crazy way

Whatever it is that you do when you do what you do to me

It’s a feeling that I want to change…’

SWV

‘Early in the morning, I put breakfast on your table

And make sure that your coffee has its sugar and cream…’

Karyn White

I can’t sing at all but you couldn’t tell me that when I was growing up. I thought I was the next Whitney Houston. Music would fill my soul and I would just open my mouth and let it all come out no matter how bad I sound.

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Being on the band didn’t help my love affair with music. In 6^th grade I audition to play the saxophone. I wanted to be like Kenny G. At that young age, I knew the sax was sensual and sexual and that’s what I wanted to play. I was mad when I incapable of blowing on the mouth piece correctly (no pun intended) but I was skilled and patting out beats. I never pictured myself a drummer but in 6^th grade I became one. If I knew then what I know now I would have taken it more seriously throughout middle school and high school. Playing the drums were a guy thing so I didn’t engage like I should have but now I’m thinking damn.

1998, 'Ex-factor' single by Lauryn Hill came out. I was 15 and a sophomore in high school. That was one of those songs that change my life. I was going through some boy problems and that song kept me sane.

            When I was a young child EVERYTHING Hi-Five came out with I love. I was in love with the lead singer Tony Thompson (RIP) but I fell in love with music.

            There were some songs and videos I was like Urrr (Scooby Doo voice). Dru Hill’s 'In My Bed' caught me off guard. I was 14 or 15 when it came out. I remember sitting watching TV after school and the video came on. I was a pretty smart young girl so I thought I knew where the video was going but I was wrong. I was not expecting the two women at the end of the video. I was like Damn!! Where dey do that at?? But I was young and homosexuality was prevalent but it wasn’t out like that.

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I remember when Erykah Badu stepped on the scene. I was in middle school there and all her music went over my head. However, I felt like it was something profound and deep.  I am sad to say that a lot of her songs didn’t register with me until many years later.

 Speaking of Cash Money, I loved them so much that I wanted to be the first female rapper on their record label. I was a writer when I was younger and I use to write raps. I wanted to be a combo of Lauryn Hill and Lil’ Kim. I thought I was hardcore. I use to freestyle at some of the random times. I wanted to be on the mic. I guess that sparked my interest in spoken word poetry and my love for performing in the spotlight.

My coming of age album was Destiny’s Child ‘Writings on the Wall’ from beginning to end I could relate. I was 14 when Destiny’s child came out they were 16/17 and EVERYTHING they said I could relate to. I would listen to the album each morning before school and after school. It was just that serious for me. So when the group broke up, I took it personal and refused to listen to the album and the one that came out next ‘Survivor’. It was almost like a slap in my face. How could you do this?? How dare you?? We were friends and how could you betray me like this was my thought process. But these girls didn’t personally know me but I felt they did. Each and every last song reflected something I was going through in high school.

When Beyonce went solo she became my best friend. ‘Dangerously in Love’ will always be her best cd. I know a lot of you favor her newer albums but ‘Dangerously in Love’ is it for me. I was a young woman as she when it came out and it was just it. From beginning to end. The single ‘Dangerously in Love’ speaks for itself. The lyrics…

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Baby I love you, you are my life

The happiest moments weren't complete if you weren't by my side

You're my relation and connection to the sun with you next to me

There's no darkness I can't overcome you are the raindrops

I am the seed with you and God, who's the sunlight

I'll bloom and grow so beautifully baby I'm so proud

Proud to be your girl you make the confusion

Go all away from this cold and messed up world”

What?!  'I am the seed, with you and God who’s the sunlight I’ll bloom and grow so beautifully’ What?! That’s deep. I remember her performing this song at an awards show and I was so overwhelmed I cried. I could feel the love she felt when she was singing the song. 

I remember when I fell in love (well one of the early times-before I knew what love really was). 112’s ‘Cupid’. Each time I hear that song as an adult it takes me back to that simple time in my life. When all I had to do was go to school, get good grades, and don’t get pregnant (that’s my momma). I miss those days.

I never knew what ‘Moments of Love’ was by Art of Noise but each time I heard the beat I would be mesmerize. It’s absolutely no words but it was just awesome and also ‘Summer Madness’ by Kool and the Gang. I remember hearing this song during the summer on the quiet storms. It made my young body do things I was unaware of but I loved it.

 My first cd was Monica’s “Miss Thang” I think that’s why I love Monica so much now. I feel she grew as I grew. What she was singing about at each developmental stage was what I was going through in some shape, form, or fashion. Heartbreak; being the other woman; holding a dude down… the regular ins and outs of being a young woman.

 But I not only love the songs that came out when I was a teen, I can take it back to the ‘old skool’ and list songs I love then that I love now. Isley Brothers still do it for me. Teddy Pendergrass. Betty White. Marvin Gay. All the groups; Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes, Delfonics, The Dramatics, The Stylistics, on and on the list goes.

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 True I love R&B but I can’t write a post about my love for music without including Rap& Hip/Hop. When I was growing up in the 90’s there weren’t a lot of southern rappers. Now we are overwhelmed with southern rappers, which I love because I was born and raised in the south. Growing up a lot of the rappers I listened to were West Coast or NY. I remember when that beef was going on. But while they were beefing my ‘homeboys’ came by and stole the music scene IMO. Outkast, Ludacris, T.I. and so many more. I guess I love my southern rappers because it’s fun. They always have club bangers. Even though Outkast came out when I was in middle school Ludacris came about when I was at the end of my high school years and T.I came after I was in college. NOTHING makes me feel as good as my southern rappers. I know I didn’t name everybody but I love my southern rappers. I just have to give a shout out to my Ludacris; he’s my favorite rapper hands down. That “What’s your fantasy” came out when I was a senior in high school. I remember I was a cheerleader and my homegirl and I (who also was a cheerleader) would head to her house for an hour or so before the game- watch videos and then go back to school and prepare for the game. All of Ludacris’ song would get us crunk for the game.

 I don’t know when Neo-soul hit the scene but it took me to another level. Just to hear that smooth R&B with a nice jazz feel. That took me to my element. From watching these beautiful artists, helped me to find myself. I knew I was stuck in doing what others wanted me to do and what others wanted me to be but they made me want to strive for more. But despite these revelations I was young and dumb and still went with the norm. But to see all these beautiful afrocentric artists rocking there fro’s, locks, their eccentric and eclectic blew my mind. I wasn’t aware of their impact until I was older. When Musiq Soulchild  sung about “Love” not as a verb but as a noun! Or when India.Arie made the statement “I’m not the average girl from your video” or “ I am not my hair” or the love she felt for the man with the “Brown skin” I have never loved my brothers and sisters as much as I did then. Or when Erykah Badu sung “I guess I’ll see you next life time”…. #Blacklove is awesome.

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I love music. I have this love affair that I cannot shake with music. No matter what songs come out that I may deem garbage, I know I still have the songs from my youth (and some of the songs from my adult years).

It’s this indescribable love that I am trying so hard to put into words but I can’t. What I feel for music is more than I could possibly (strong possibly) feel for another human being. Even if a song disappoints me I know I can go back and find something with the same concept to lift me up.

Music is the one thing that I can always depend on no matter what I am going through in my life. It has always been there for me and has never let me down. It is the one thing that understand EVERYTHING I am going through, feeling, thinking, considering, pondering, loving, hating, and many more.

I know I did not include everybody I love in this post so I may eventually do a part 2 of my love for music. But I love music so much I had to write about it. It’s my love and has been there since I was child and really have been the only consistent relationship (outside of my parents- and that has been shaky at times) I have had.

“The thought of my love for music sometimes makes me wanna cry” 

(ha did you get that reference??)